"Today is HOLY SHIT YOUR HOT DAY, send this to someone you know who is HOT, just not to me, Ive been getting this fucking text all day ;p"

Me: U doin?
Her: Dinner with my mom and then sleep, I work at 6 am.
Me: Exciting, you are going to make a great soccer mom some day!
Her: Thanks Ass! I needed a laugh!
Me: I will keep an eye out for used Mini Vans and do some research on anti-depressants for you!
Her: OMG! I am laughing so hard right now, thats hillarious!!

(opener) What are you doing, cutie? :-)
(opener) SURPRISE!
(opener) Knock knock...
(opener) How's my favorite little brat doing?
(opener) Ciao bella! / Mi amore! / My cheri amore!
(opener) I just made you open your phone for no reason...looks like I got you in check =]
(opener) Hey goof, I bet my weekend can beat up your weekend.
(opener) What sort of trouble are you causing?
(opener) I am luring girls to my house with candy, which do you prefer skittles or M&M's?
(opener) Hey..do me a favor and text me right back. Just hi or something. My friends dont believe retards can text. We'll show em lil buddy
(opener) I know my math u+i equals 69
(opener) Girls are gross...
(opener) I hope you are smiling. If not just think of me!
(opener) Aliens are coming to abduct all the sexy people off the planet and force them to breed. You should be safe, I just wanted to text to say goodbye.
(opener) Remember guys tomorrow is "Hug a retard" day...So don't freak out like you did last year, NO ONE IS TRYING TO HURT YOU!
(for flakes) I just met your twin
(for flakes) I like talking to you and I don't play games. I think we're really good together. Lets try it if not that's cool and I'm glad we met.
(push-pull) Out of all the (first name) (last name)'s I know... I think your my favorite.
(push-pull) You just popped into my head so Hi...now please stay out of there
(for same night) Sweet dreams, sexy. :-) [name]
(for same night) Hey I hope you got home safe. [name]
(attraction) Let's fly to Las Vegas, get married, argue about our third kid's name, divorce, and grow old lonely and depressed
(attraction) I don't know who you're boyfriend is...but he's not spanking you enough!
(attraction) I don't think you're ready for this jelly
(attraction) Awww, you're so sweet. You're making me get diabetes.
(attraction) I just don't think we should do this anymore...Sometimes you make me feel like I am just a piece of meat.
(comfort) I was thinking of you...
(comfort) Something about u seems to always make me smile.

MULTI-LINERS
"congratulations"
"for what?" "what did i do?" "why?"
"i was just thinking of u. congratulations =)"

"Who is this?"
[girls name]
"I know...I'm just being an ass

"Did you know that LIPS and KISS are typed the same way on your phone?"
"I love how soft your lips are, I can't wait to kiss them again."

6 truths in your life:
1. You can't lick all your teeth with your tongue.
2. You're an idiot, because you just tried to proof truth number one.
3. Truth one is a lie.
4. Now you're smiling, because you're a goof.
5. You'll send it to another idiot in the near future.
6. You're still smiling ;-)

Works every time, insane opener.

"just a reminder - do your kegels."

For flakes/tapering attraction due to excessive texting and no phone contact:

'hey slut, come on over so I can get you drunk and bust a load off on your face'

If no response:

"oh I must have mistook u for someone who had a sense of humor, dork hehe but I still love you - so dont go jumping off a building or anything"

 me: "hey you cheeky-slag, orgy starts at 8:00, but be there early so i can get you while you're still fresh"
HB: "hahahaha shut up
me: "Fine. well, can i at least get seconds?"
HB: "i'll think about it what are you up to?"

Me: I dont think we should do this anymore...sometimes I just feel like a piece of meat!
HB: Who is this?
Me: lol this is the guy you helped decide where to watch the sunset ~livewire
HB: I think you have the wrong number
Me: That is too bad I thought I was talking to the funny waitress from Tavern
HB: OH I know who this is do you want to come 2 a bachelorette party and then to a strip club? It'll b fun

"Hey! I really miss you and want to see you badly BUT this dumbass security guard won't let me in the zoo. Can you escape?"

text 1: Listen, we need to talk...

(pause) (or wait for response)

text 2: I heard aliens are coming to down to abduct all the sexy people and force them to breed. You should be fine, but I just wanted to say goodbye.